Grounded

The New York Times reported last week that a mother and her two-year old son were forced to deplane from a Southwest airline flight before it even left the ground.
While the flight was waiting in line for permission to takeoff, the tiny tot repeatedly shouted, "Go Plane Go!" and "I want Daddy!"
The reporting typifies poor journalism. We don’t know if the other passengers gave the crew a standing ovation for their actions, or simply passed the hat to collect a well-deserved tip.
At one time my job required as many as three flights a week. Invariably I’d wind up on a Delta flight on Sunday night that left Atlanta at 11:00 P.M. and arrived four hours later in Salt Lake at 1:00 A.M. Initially it was a great flight. It wasn’t crowded and quite often I had an entire row of seats to myself. I could stretch out and get a good nap.
But then one Sunday night a child (and I use the term loosely) boarded the flight. The kid was probably the spawn of Satan specifically put on the flight to torment and punish me for my sins. Anyway I digress, we weren’t even off the ground and the kid started to wail. No, not wail, it was what I have since come to call "The Chainsaw Cry".
Have you ever heard the sound a two-cycle small gas engine makes when you attempt to start it and it won’t quite start? That incessant, aggravating nerve wracking, staccato, "Uh, Uh, Uh…"
A typical flight between Atlanta, Georgia and Salt Lake City, Utah would have a flying time of about 4 hours. This assumes an average flight speed for a commercial airliner of 500 mph, which is equivalent to 805 km/hr or 434 knots. Not this time.
On that particular dark and dreary night, the flight wasn’t the only thing that was non-stop. I’ve never come closer before or since to committing child abuse. It was 1,584 miles, 1,584 long miles of Hellish torment.
I’ve been flying long enough to remember when people were allowed to smoke on planes. I’d choose a 747 with 250 Japanese businessmen smoking their particularly pungent cigarettes non-stop for 10 hours between Seattle and Tokyo over a single 35 pound snot nosed, tow headed American kid any day of the week. (But especially on Sunday.)
We have non-smoking regulations, how about child free flights?
Or instead of fuel surcharges and checked bag fees, a "Toddler Tariff" or a "Child Charge". Put the money towards earplugs or group therapy for the other passengers.
Or, in addition to defibrillators on all domestic and overseas flights, a federal Benadryl mandate.